6 things that really create better relationships

Relationships in the 21^st century are under increasing strain, with an estimated 1 in 3 marriages in Australia today ending in divorce. I know that being in a healthy, fulfilling relationship is not easy. More and more people who visit me in my private clinic in Brisbane express concern about their significant relationships, whether this is with families, friends or their intimate partners.

I have worked for more than 10 years with women and couples to improve their relationships. During that time I have observed fascinating recurring patterns of behaviour. The observations I have made as a clinical social worker have grown into a passion for me, and I began studying the theory of adult attachment styles in greater detail twelve years ago.

I came to realise that when people understand their individual attachment style, it enables them to transform whatever relationships they have in their lives for the better. I have had incredible success transforming failing or struggling relationships by teaching the people I counsel how to identify and work with their attachment style, and working with them to heal any attachment wounds they didn’t even know they had.

Attachment wounds occur in our earliest experiences with our mother or primary carer.  We are taught in a nonverbal way how to get our needs met and we take these patterns of connection with us into all of our relationships.

If for any reason our primary carer was not able to meet our needs it can leave attachment wounds. Just like every person on earth is unique, their wounds, how they happened, and strategies for how to heal them once and for all are also unique.

The good news is that you can rewire your brain for better relationships.

Often joy is the first casualty in a busy, stressful life. Laughter helps to boost our immune system and can assist with resilience.  Playful individuals are more spontaneous and light-hearted and are therefore better able to cope with stress.  Playfulness and delight can be lost when life is busy – but making time and space to relax and have some fun really makes both partners happier.

Even the strongest relationships can take strain over parenting styles and techniques. Most people don’t know what kind of parent they will be until the moment arises. This often means that two people with a lot in common suddenly start to clash when it comes to raising their children. Remember that attachment style for all of us begins in childhood, so get to know your style and work on healthy changes if they are needed.

Core values are at the heart of much of our behaviour but many people are unsure which values are important to them. Learning what you top ten relationship values are can really make a huge difference in your relationship and sharing them with your partner can completely transform it.  Taking action each day that moves you toward your values will help you to feel happier and more fulfilled.

All relationships start with successful self-care. Before you look outward for the reasons you’re struggling in your relationship, look inward. Ask yourself whether you accept yourself as you are. Do you have compassion for yourself? Do you spend time caring for yourself? The answers to these three questions are a great start to rewire your brain for better relationships.

Research shows that a person who makes a conscious effort to practice gratitude is immeasurably happier than one who does not. Gratitude is a decision, as is Joy. Choose to be grateful. Make a concerted effort to mentally list just 3 things you are grateful for every morning, and again every evening. The discipline of deliberately practicing gratitude, of taking a few minutes to really think about the things you are grateful for, will improve all aspects of your life, including your relationship.

So many adults are not even aware of what attachment styles and attachment wounds are at play in their relationships. These attachment issues significantly impact how people get into and out of relationships, as well as the why of everything in-between. If you find yourself repeating the same patterns of negative behaviour in your relationships, it may be because you have an old attachment wound that is affecting your relationships today.

For more information about attachment styles and wounds check out my six week online relationships program. https://debbicarberry.com.au/better-relationships-program/

I am also now offering short online courses (duration 30 to 60 minutes). Now you can work with me from the comfort of your own home at a time that suits you. Learn more … https://debbicarberry.com.au/online-services/

Until next time …

Debbi

Debbi Carberry is a clinical social worker in private practice in Brisbane, Australia where she specialised in relationships transformation. She has over 10 years’ experience helping people form and maintain fulfilling relationships. Debbi is the author of a short relationship guide “Is Your Approach to Relationships Healthy? 7 Questions Every Woman Should Ask Herself” https://debbicarberry.com.au/seven-questions/ and the creator of the groundbreaking 6 week online course, “Rewiring your brain for better relationships”.  https://debbicarberry.com.au/better-relationships-program/