Today I want to talk about needs, and in particular about being needy. I often hear people say these words:
- He tells me I’m too needy
- She wants too much
- She is way too needy
It’s true for some people – they do think that some people are too needy and require too much from them.
I say “we are only as needy as our unmet needs”
So if you think about your history (because this is where we learn about connection and belonging) early in our lives if our needs were met by our primary caregivers – then there is a really good chance that we are going to be really comfortable in our own skin to ask for what we want and need from others.
We are also able to understand when people are not able to meet our need and to go and get our needs met elsewhere if we need to.
For some of us however when someone says no they won’t meet our need that can feel really painful.
I don’t believe that we can be too needy. If our needs are not met that can make us uncomfortable, it can make us quiet distressed and it can be activating. You can bet your life we want to feel less of that right? So I can understand that part of neediness.
Relationships are about interdependence it is where we connect together. I give you some and you give me some. In this way we hopefully meet some of the needs of our partners, our children’s and our own needs.
WE also have friends who might meet our needs, we have relatives and colleagues. So our needs can be met by a variety of people.
It’s really important to remember to ask for what you want and need; but that can feel really vulnerable as other people can of course say no. They may not want to do what you are asking; they may ignore your request.
And you are left feeling very vulnerable when you have asked for something and there has been a rejection of your request. Try to remember that it is not about who you are it is just a no to your request.
Also the need hasn’t gone away, so you still need to find a way to get that need met by someone else.
I think sometimes we put a lot of emphasis on our intimate partner when it comes to getting our needs met. Especially these days when we can feel quite disconnected from other people.
But when we put a lot of need on to our intimate partner that can feel really overwhelming for them. We need to make sure that we are spreading that around and that we are meeting our own needs for some of the time; as well as getting other people outside of our relationship to meet our needs some of the time.
For example, if we want to socialise and our partner doesn’t want to we can ask a friend. Or if we ask our partner to come to the gym to exercise but our partner is not interested in that we can join a gym with other people. Alternatively, if we need assistance around the house and our partner says no I’m not going to do that for you. Then we need to bring in someone else to help us out – whether it’s a friend, neighbour or maybe you need to pay someone to come and help.
So the need doesn’t go away, you still need to get it addressed!
If you struggle with asking to get your needs met or your relationship is impacted by feelings of neediness and would like some assistance to manage things differently then please contact me at the website …
Get Social