Today I want to talk to you about connection and belonging.  I am a relationship coach and clinical social worker and I think that the vast majority of people who come to see me do so because there is an issue that is distressing them about their relationships.

Whether that is with their partners their children, family of origin, a colleague at work or an employer all of the things that I see every single day are about connection and belonging.

So I thought that I would talk to you a little bit about that today.  And why connection and belonging are so important to us.

The first thing is that we are hardwired for connection when we are born it is really important for us to connect to the adults around us really quick for our survival.  It is an absolute survival strategy to belong and feel connected.

If you think about your day to day and think about your connection to yourself – there are times when we are disconnected with ourselves when we are not engaging in what is going on for us and we are avoiding painful situations in our lives or strong emotions and we become disconnected from ourselves.   At these times we can feel flat, dull, depressed or worried.

So disconnecting from ourselves is the first point of connection – to tune into ourselves and to be aware of what we need.

I guess the next layer is to connect with the people around us.   The different domains that we are connecting with are the things like physical connection.  Our need for touch, the need to feel another person.

New born babies are placed on their mother’s stomach when they are born and that skin to skin contact is incredibly important and that doesn’t change throughout our lives.  We all like skin to skin contact and I guess that’s really important because it activates a chemical in our brains called oxytocin – which is called the love hormone or the connection hormone.  It floods us with those feelings of wanting to be held and wanting to be connected physically so physical connection is really important.

Think about your day to day life and the connection to your family just for the basic things like cooking, cleaning, washing and ironing – that great stuff we all love so much.  But our physical needs in that regard are really quite important.

How do we connect with those around us – think about a meal.  I don’t know about your family but in my family we sit down many times a week to eat together but particularly on a Sunday – that is a day that I make a huge roast of whatever meat and we sit together for a while and we talk.  So for my family connection sometimes is around food.

I think as human beings we are losing our connection; once upon a time we were connected to so many people.  When I was growing up (I’m 50 so a long time ago)  we were quite connected in our communities out of necessity.

Today our level of connection with human beings is dropping significantly.  We connect online we will connect electronically but we are not connecting in a real tangible touching, feeling way.

I encourage you all – stop for a while – stop.  Walk in the door after a long day at work and don’t turn on your phone or your iPad or your computer just stop for a while.

  • Spend a couple of minutes asking your family how they are.
  • Help make the dinner together
  • Sit down together as a family and eat your meal together

Connect without the television, phones, computers or any interruption other than just spending some time connecting with each other.

If you would like to learn more about some of my work or you would like to work with me I have some short online courses available on my website www.debbicarberry.com.au/workwithme/

In addition to that I offer one on one services online and in person.

Okay everyone until next time

If you would like to make an appointment for counselling please do so on the scheduler at the bottom of the page.

Debbi

Debbi Carberry is a clinical social worker in private practice in Brisbane, Australia where she specialises in relationship transformation. She has helped hundreds of women and couples who were struggling in their various relationships. If you feel that you would like some additional support in your relationship click here to find out about Debbi’s ground-breaking online course, “Rewire your Brain for Better Relationships”.