Today I’d like to talk to you about that pesky critical voice inside your head.  For most of us there is a noise that kind of sits on our shoulder that says:

You are not:

  • Good enough
  • Smart enough

You are:

  • Too big
  • Too small
  • Too tall
  • Too thin
  • You don’t earn enough
  • You’re not funny enough

As well as many more.

That critical inner voice can really cause a lot of problems in our relationships.  As always the critical inner voice like everything else that comes into our lives comes from our history.

During those really early bonding and connections from our childhood ages 0 – 3 when we are learning to connect with our care giver.   This is where we first hear those negative stories.

For some of us it was occasionally negative for others it was often negative.

Things like

  • You are not enough
  • You are too bossy
  • To quiet
  • Too loud

The list goes on.

Our parents can tell us these stories (usually when they are trying to change behaviour they feel is negative) and we internalise these stories and we believe them.  Why wouldn’t we believe them or question them?

As we move to adulthood we tap into those critical internal voices.  They can become quiet loud especially when we are full of doubt, fears, worries or when life is challenging us.  The critical inner voice can become really loud.

That critical inner voice can tell you stories that aren’t true about yourself.

What we need to do and what’s really important when the voice begins is to slow ourselves down.  We need to take a moment to listen to what we are saying to ourselves.

You all have narratives (stories) that run over and over in our minds.  It can be really helpful for you to start to really listen to what the stories are.   Write them down on a piece of paper.  Get to know them intimately.  When you know the voices are starting what you need to do is stop and actually say hang on a second that is not true.

I am good enough – of course I am good enough!  You can counter the noise with things that you know that are positive about you – things that you do really well.

Alternatively, of course you can actually just sit with it and remind yourself to be really compassionate and I hear the voices in my head that say I’m not …

  • good enough
  • worthy enough
  • loveable enough

Listen to those – but don’t necessarily take them on board.  You can thank you brain.  Thanks very much brain for your negative comments about me – however in spite of what the noise is saying I am going to do  X  Y or Z anyway.   It’s really important to challenge the critical inner voice

There are times when our own inner critical inner voice can come out of our mouths and be directed to others.   If we feel critical about ourselves we can also be critical to others we care for like our partners and children – which I know none of us wants to do.

If you would like to work on your critical inner voice you can get in touch with me https://debbicarberry.com.au/work-with-me/

Debbi

Debbi Carberry is a clinical social worker in private practice in Brisbane, Australia where she specialises in relationship transformation. She has helped hundreds of women and couples who were struggling in their various relationships. If you feel that you would like some additional support in your relationship click here to find out about Debbi’s ground-breaking online course, “Rewire your Brain for Better Relationships”.