Lets talk about guilt and share and how these two words cause a bit of stress for a lot of people. Its interesting that alot of people get these meaning of these words mixed up.
Let’s get into a definition to start with. Guilt is generally described as I did something wrong – Ive made a mistake or I could have had an error in judgement. These feelings of regret about what we have done are feelings of guilt. It’s a feeling that comes after and event when we feel like we haven’t done or behaved in a way that we would have like to.
Shame on the other hand is something that is felt very deeply and shame has a story that say – I AM BAD – I am bad – it is me that is not ok – not what I have done but me personally.
Shame is learned very early in life usually we learn shame with our primary care givers who may have used shame to discipline us and to try to change our behaviour. Many parents do this unknowingly. They may have been shamed themselves. Many parents shame their children because they believe it will change unwanted behaviour.
We may also experience shame during our education. For many children school is a place where they feel shame often. It can be felt deeply and leave lifelong wounds.
In addition to that of course as adults we can feel shame. This could be experienced in our employment where we have been called out on something publicly which can feel extremely shaming.
The important thing when it comes to guilt and shame is that guilt is a healthy emotion but shame is a crippling emotion.
When we feel the wash of shame and I think it is the wash of shame – it is felt physically in our bodies – it can feel like strong heat in our bodies; or maybe as a tightness in our chest. For some people it is felt in the throat when we feel it get tight and constricted. Other people may cover their faces when they are feeling shame (I see this often in my clinic).
There are times in our lives when shame can be a very strong emotion and it may not even be ours to feel. If other people have done things to us – then that is not our shame to carry – but often times victims will feel shame. Crippling shame.
What I say to people about shame is this – the only anecdote for shame is compassion and empathy.
We need to be so kind to ourselves when we feel shame – we need to treat ourselves like we would a very small child. We need to be kind and gentle and encouraging and forgiving and that is really important Extend the same level of empathy and compassion that you would to any other human being out to yourself.
Like I said earlier guilt is a normal emotion – shame is a crippling emotional that can really bring us to our knees. So if you ever feel the wash of shame remember to be very kind to yourself. In those moments you do not need to go into beating yourself up or telling yourself that you are not good enough; kind enough or even loveable enough.
You don’t need to do that. You do need to be really kind and really soothing and really gentle.
If you struggle with feeling of shame and would like to work with me please go to the website …
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