How to Love Yourself First

Women have many roles these days. Apart from the usual mothers, daughters, sisters, friends, students and workers we also juggle careers and family activities and seem to constantly be on the go.

Many women I see in my clinic feel overwhelmed, lack energy and are struggling in many of the roles that they perform daily.  Women are socialised to care for others and taught that self-sacrifice is part and parcel of motherhood and wifedom (is that a word?).

However there is a price to pay when we ignore our own needs and constantly meet the needs of other.  We produce high and sustained levels of the stress hormone cortisol and this hormone will destroy healthy muscle and bone, slow down healing and normal cell regeneration, and interfere with biochemicals that we need to make other vital hormones.  It also impairs digestion, metabolism, and mental function as well as weakening your immune system.

Emotionally, a lack of self-care can leave us anxious, depressed and less productive (the irony is of course that we often avoid self-care so that we are able to accomplish more).

So given the negative impacts both physically and emotionally why don’t we prioritize self-care?

For many women self-care is absent due to work demands, the ongoing and pressing needs of our kids, the commitments we have to our intimate relationships, impatient bosses, friends as well as aging parents. We seem to have lost (or never had) the understanding that we need rest, quiet, exercise and pleasure to help us feel content.

For many women there is always something more important than taking care of ourselves. Women say that if they were to take care of their own needs it would feel “selfish” or worse still that it might be seen as self-indulgent or lazy.

Many women set their expectations of themselves at such high (and unrealistic) levels and spend much time grappling with the need to be the ‘perfect’ wife, mom and woman. Your kids don’t need to be ‘gifted’, the house doesn’t have to be spotless, our bodies don’t have to be fat-free and its ok if your desk isn’t perfectly organised.

I listen to women daily sit quietly and usually crying in my office and they share with me that they feel like they are letting everyone down. They talk about losing their temper with their kids and not being able to have fun with them anymore. They also describe their relationships as feeling isolating at times when their partner seems to be a thousand miles away from them both emotionally and physically. They are exhausted!

We are passing this on to the next generation – to our daughters.

I’ve never heard a women tell her daughter to sacrifice her needs and focus on the needs of others and “achieve, achieve, achieve,” ever. However I see many women who model this behaviour daily through their own busy lives.

Women are painfully aware that they don’t often get rewarded for their selflessness, so they get resentful. Taking a bath can seem petty when your kids need help with their homework.

Self-care is the greatest way to love our children and partner, as we cannot nurture those around us if we are running on empty. If you can’t do self-care for yourself maybe we could do it for your daughters.

• We deserve it
• We are providing great role modelling for our kids (particularly our daughters)
• We will have more energy and feel more abundant
• We will have less resentment

Sit down once a week and as you pop all of the ‘to do’s’ for the rest of the family into your calendar take a non-erasable pen and put some “self-care” activities in there.

Learn to say: NO! If that feels too difficult right now – how about ‘I need to look at my schedule and get back to you,’ or, ‘That sounds like a worthwhile idea but I just can’t commit to anything else at the moment”

• Try to get 8 hours sleep a night
• Get daily exercise
• Make sure you have regular health check-ups
• Take a daily time out – even if it’s for s short time
• Remember to laugh it is a real tonic J
• Take a trip to the beach or bush and have a short break from the daily routine
• Try to give yourself a break – stop perfectionism, self-criticism and comparing yourself to others
• Put time in your diary each day for self-care – DON’T remove it!!

I would love to hear what things make you feel ‘mom guilt’ and also anything you do that is self-nurturing.

I am Debbi Carberry, a relationship expert with over two decades of experience in helping women love themselves and cultivate healthy, fulfilling relationships. As a mother of four grown children and a survivor of two major relationship breakups, I understand the challenges you may face. Remember, you’re not alone in this journey. There is support and guidance available to help you navigate the complexities of relationships.

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