Today I would really like to talk to you about repair.  No not your car but how to repair your relationship after there has been some conflict.

So the conflict comes to an end how do you reconnect again how do you move past it? This is what people in my profession call repair.

I’m a relationship coach and I work extensively with couples to assist them to move past the distress and move back to connecting once again.

An example might be that you have had a fight and there hasn’t been a resolution and there hasn’t been a finishing off or a feeling that things are resolved.

There is bad feeling in the air still.

How do you get back to connecting with each other?  For some people it’s about disconnecting for days some people literally disconnect from their partners for days on end.  Which can feel lonely, isolating and sometimes frightening or activating.

So the way I like to deal with it with couples is to see how are you going to raise the white flag?  What are you going to do to surrender?

When I’m talking about surrender I’m talking about remembering that the relationship is more important than the sum of its parts  – it’s more important than either one of the people.

If you are in a loving relationship with someone it’s important to remember some times that the most important thing we need to do is to get past the conflict and connect again.

How do you do repair?  Well there are lots of ways to do repair.  In my couple’s therapy I talk about using something symbolic– I sometimes give couples a large love heart rock that they can use – I encourage them to put it out on the table at any time and that says to the other party I want to reconnect with you lets connect.

Some people, and I am one of those people who has an app on my phone of a white flapping flag and when things get tricky at my house I will sometimes send through the app to say hey come on let’s connect again.

The most important part of repairing is that when the person puts up the white flag or gesture to say I’m ready to move forward is that the other party is receiving and kind.  If your partner is going to go and put themselves on the line emotionally by saying the relationship with you is more important than winning this fight then the most important thing that has to happen next is the person that receives that bid for repair has to be kind –  you have to be kind – if you turn around and bite off the hand of the person who is trying to repair  – that is going to cause some significant damage for your relationship and how you approach conflict into the future.

So find something – find something that is your symbolic gesture for you and your partner to say hey lets connect again I don’t want this distance to be between us.

Repairing is a really important skill to be learned and it is a skill that needs to be learned.

If you would help with learning how to repair in your relationship go over to my website www.debbicarbery.com.au

In addition you can find all of the ways you can work with me here www.debbicarberry.com.au/workwithme

It has been great talking with you today guys …  bye.

If you would like to make an appointment for counselling please do so on the scheduler at the bottom of the page.

Alternatively if you would like to find out more about the services I offer online https://debbicarberry.com.au/online-services/

Debbi

Debbi Carberry is a clinical social worker in private practice in Brisbane, Australia where she specialises in relationship transformation. She has helped hundreds of women and couples who were struggling in their various relationships. If you feel that you would like some additional support in your relationship click here to find out about Debbi’s ground-breaking online course, “Rewire your Brain for Better Relationships”.