Surviving Christmas holidays when divorced or separated and your adult children have left home Part 2

Christmas Day is not about being the best, most perfect day, or as it was previous years. This doesn’t mean you let go of traditions you love and enjoy, but you can also find and create new ones. For example, if you have always had Christmas Day in the family home, find a new venue, go away, or meet at one of your children’s homes, picnic in the park, beach, or volunteer to help others.

Normalising feelings and accepting that just because you are moving towards living by your values, it does not mean that family and friends have not got caught up in the effects of the ‘Christmas vortex’. Expectations may be high for everyone. This is a high benchmark to reach. Set aside any discord until there is a mutually appropriate time for discussions. Remember, it sounds simple, but taking a few deep cleansing breaths really can give you the space between someone else’s upset or distress.

As the separation may have altered your financial situation, make a budget list and stick to the budget. Remember, that retailers are on a mission to get Christmas sales figures! We live in a world of ‘tap and go’, Eftpos, and credit cards. Make a list of gifts and food, and decide how much you can afford to spend. Draw out the cash, have it in an envelope with the list written on the envelope. Leave your credit card at home when you do your Christmas shopping so you are not tempted to buy ‘just that one extra thing that Sally will like.’ Buying gifts can be a moment of elation or false happiness that does not last. Come back to your values and your feelings and know that ‘things’ can’t buy happiness, and it’s still okay to feel sadness and grief. It is so easy to cover up a broken heart by piling ‘things’ on top of your heart and emotional pain. It is very painful to feel sadness and loneliness, but it doesn’t go away just because you may have covered it up with presents, food, alcohol and glittery decorations.

I mentioned earlier about continuing to live by your values. If you presently live a healthy life, then continue to move towards those values of living a healthy life. Yes, there is more to over-indulge in but over-indulgence will not only react with you physically, but may also impact on your emotional mood such as feelings of guilt or stress. Drink plenty of water. If you’re going out somewhere, eat your normal healthy snack beforehand so that you won’t be tempted by all of those ‘Christmas nibbles’. Continue with your normal physical activities.

Say “NO” when you need to. If you need a breather or quiet time to reflect and acknowledge how you are feeling, say “No”. Your family and friends know about your circumstances, and will hopefully understand that this time is different and possibly difficult for you. If you say “Yes” when you wanted to say “No”, you may end up feeling resentful or overwhelmed.  Seek support if “No” is a difficult word to use. Practice saying “no” with different scenarios. Most people actually respect you when you say “No” and don’t have the feelings or thoughts of guilt, that we’re letting them down, or other thoughts we can get caught up in.

After say “No” because you need that time to yourself, what will you do with that time? Practice mindfulness if this is something you do. Take ten or fifteen minutes for yourself without phones, Ipads, computers or television. Listen to some music, do something that restores you. Watch nature. When was the last time you sat and watched an ant on its journey?  Remember watching a baby discover its own hand, or watching a leaf fall from a tree. Watch something and notice it as if it was the first time you had ever experienced it. When was the last time you truly looked at the intricacies of a flower in bloom? How does it smell? How many colours does it have? What is its texture? Does it have many different textures? How big is it? Does it move?

As I mentioned earlier, that GREAT BIG FAT CHRISTMAS MYTH OF HAPPINESS AND WONDERMENT is always doing its best to suck us in. Whilst we are struggling to reach that CHRSITMAS MYTH, we are actually not in the present moment. Breathe, breathe, and breathe again, and notice that there are rich, meaningful and fulfilling experiences every day, if we just jump off that ‘Christmas vortex’ and come back to the present moment experiences and connections in the here and now.

Remember that it is normal to feel sad and at times overwhelmed, particularly at this time of year. Be kind to yourself. If you find that despite using your different strategies, that you are persistently overwhelmed, unable to sleep, experience feelings of hopelessness, or are unable to move through your normal routines, seek help from your GP and/or a mental health professional.
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